Day 6 of Fatgate.

I couldn't bring myself to blog initially about Jessica Simpson's stage wear at the infamous chili cook-off. Because while I could joke among friends about the horrible jeans, double wide (pun intended) cheetah print belt, and tank top causing unflattering rolls... I just didn't want to be the 1,000,000th blogger asking what the hell Jessica Simpson/her stylist/her creepy dadanger/random Yes Man, Ken Paves, was thinking letting her go out in public like that.

But... I have to ask, and pardon my French but: What the fuck is this?!


Can we take her accessory license away? I don't think this poor girl should be within 20 feet of a belt. The proportion of the blazer is emphasizing her long torso and her shorter legs, and as if that wasn't sad enough... she's wearing the most unflattering leggings barefoot. No shoes. And they are the kind of leggings that ANY woman would need a 4" heel to pull off the look... your leg muscles need to be perfectly flexed for something that creates highlight and shadow!

Fashion is subjective, but I have a pretty good rule of thumb for the fine line between edgy and unpredictable and just plain tragic: What Would Britney Do?

If Britney Spears would look at your outfit and go, "Heeeey, I like y'alls outfit. I don't like to wear shoes either if my leggings don't match my dirty white platform flip flops y'all!" then you go back into your closet and you change. Rinse and repeat. It's worked pretty well so far...

Let's talk Frankenpochette.

I know this is insane, but I'm working on a Franken-purse. I'll make sure to update when it's ALIVE! ALIVE!

I love my Louis Vuitton pochette accessoires, and I've been using it every day inside of my grey Marc Jacobs bag... to keep my iPhone and camera separate from the cans of Diet Coke and car keys I throw in there. And I'm happy that I decided to get an accessory with an adjustable leather strap... it's so cute as a wristlet or shoulder bag for going out.

BUT, I like hardware. One bag I was really contemplating was the Louis Vuitton Eva bag, part evening bag/ part feminine messenger bag. But there were three factors that kept me from heating the Amex:



1. The long vachetta strap doesn't work for me. It just kind of falls between my breasts and I look ridiculous. DO NOT WANT.

2. There's a plaque on it. I don't need a brass plate that says Louis Vuitton on it. When the entire bag is covered in the LV monogram, I think everyone gets the point. If not, then they are stupid and I don't care for stupid people's opinions.

3. The bag was too large to fit inside of one of my satchels (*necessary for daily use, since the bag is too small to carry Diet Coke).

So, I'm ordering a chain. And the pochette extender part. So the shoulder strap with be half hardware and half vachetta leather. Dangling across the bag will be another brass chain. It should look more rock'n'roll for going out this way. Unfortunately, this little project makes it the same price as the Eva bag... but I want what I want and I want my Frankenpochette. You may think she's a monster but I see that she is a naive creature that is scared of the dark side of men.

I'm kind of excited, actually.

I sent three pairs of my skinny jeans to be hemmed to an ankle-grazing length: hot pink, pale grey and a faded black.

Even though it's currently snowing outside, I am dreaming of spring weather and the cute outfits to go along with it.

Let Nashville come to me!

I decided to split my rambling updates into two posts:

Part I- My whining about how tired and busy I've been all week.
Part II- The fun I've had this weekend.

Oh yes, my dear friend Valentine (Last name, no... no hippie parents) came to visit me from Nashville. His girlfriend Kate is a concert promoter and had a work event here in the STL. She was kind enough to give us tickets to the Frank Caliendo show, and we were able to enjoy a Saturday night and Sunday brunch together.

I took Valentine for denim, because well... what I sell no one will have in Nashville (*barring artists that get swag, because that's marketing). Had espresso at the apartment. Went to the Loop early and had a drink at 609... though we were supposed to get crab rangoons as well. Bartender forgot them. Enjoyed Frank's show more than we thought we would. Headed over to Brennan's for scotch in their downstairs speakeasy. Attempted to get a late dinner at the Lucas Park Grille, but was too late. And ended the night at Uncle Bill's Pancake House.

This afternoon, we had a goodbye brunch at Herbie's Vintage 72. I have to say, Herbie's brunch is pretty solid. I have enjoyed the brunch (couple of times I've went) far more than their dining menu. If they combined the ambiance of the fine dining room with the flavor and fiest of the brunch, you would need reservations weeks in advance.

The rest of the day, I've mostly been resting around the house. Talked to Sally... She's making a pretty solid argument for a Mardi Gras trip next month... we'll see.

So busy!

I'm sorry for dropping the ball on updates this week... I've been unusually busy.

Last weekend was Justin and my six year anniversary. Which is a long ass time. That's 72 months. And a lifetime in dog years. Or prison time for a non-violent felony. Long enough now that when people find out how long we've been together, we garner the following responses:

-"When are you guys getting married?"
-"Do you think you'll ever get married?"
-They think we are from Utah
-"That makes me want to throw up."
-"Wooooooow. That's a long time." (Um, no shit)
-"So, what's his deal?"

But last weekend was wonderful... the calm before the storm if you will! This past week, my store had to do inventory. If you aren't familiar with basic retail operations, inventory is a very necessary but extremely dreadful task. You have to count every single thing in the store and match it up to your stock records to make sure merchandise isn't misplaced and so you can calculate your losses (i.e., what was stolen). It's not fun or glamorous, but it is a business...

And after inventory, I cleaned the entire store. I folded everything until I ached... because when you are in the retail business, merchandising is essential. You're in the business of selling and you would never want to lose sales because customers cannot see the selection easily. They don't care or think about whether or not you stayed late the night before for inventory. They walk in and instantly decide whether or not your store is "cool." Anyways, my original point is that this week I cleaned for hours at my job and then I came home and cleaned all night as well.

When I clean the apartment, I don't just dust and throw old bills away. I scrub the entire bathroom. I mop the floors. I vacuum the rugs. I vacuum our upholstered headboard. I polish my silver jewelry and immerse my diamond jewelry in cleaning solution. I rearrange the kitchen cabinets to encourage efficiency. I clean the appliances. I empty our bookshelves to dust them.

Needless to say, I've been exhausted... but our loft is beautiful and is so relaxing. It is so worth it. Next Sunday, we're going over to Steve and Janet's... the weekend after that Justin's parents are visiting.

Damn, it feels good to be a redhead.

You know the song, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone..." That's how I felt after a few months of being a blonde. I missed my red hair so much.

Not that platinum blonde hair isn't pretty... but I totally missed all the perks of being a redhead: the free drinks, standing out in a crowd, wearing bright colors without looking like Hulk Hogan's kin, and most importantly... being perceived as "sassy" when otherwise I would be perceived as just bitchy.

The research is in: blondes do not have more fun. I went back yesterday for a color correction and I'm now a medium auburn, close to my natural color. In four weeks, after this color can "stick" to my hair... they can add in color shots to really pop it up. That will be f-u-n.

I know, I'm now chemically dependent.

Ryan Seacrest tries to high-five a blind guy.

"DUDE! AWESOME! YOU ARE SOOO GETTING A FREE DOG!"

Herr: the only thing that matters.

You know what sucks? If you don't like your hair, you are just not having a good day.

I went in to get my platinum locks dyed a light red (still lighter than my natural auburn) and after two dying attempts, the most my hair would pull was a sandy blond. It's Jennifer Aniston's hair color... it's so fucking "vanilla" that I want to cry.

Otherwise, today would have been a great day. I continued to eat healthily... no candy. I slept in. I took two scalding hot showers (which feels amazing when you know it's zero degrees outside). I went tanning. I got positive acknowledgement from my boss's boss and her boss.

But I hate my hair, so I'm not too happy right now. I'm going to call them tomorrow and see if there's any way to put red in my hair. Otherwise, I may have to go to Sally Beauty Supply and do it all myself.

I did run over to the Chase Park Plaza's Aveda salon promptly after and my friend Craig recommended an awesome new formula shampoo: Dry Remedy. It doesn't foam up... you use it like conditioner. I promptly went home and I love it! If only I had a poppy red color to enhance my hair's condition... then I could take over this world.

How to shop-- for the Apocolypse.

Did anyone else follow Apocalypse Week on the History Channel? All week there have been documentary specials on the end of the world... The Seven Deadly Sins mini-series was pretty good. It's awesome that "pride", arrogance and vanity aren't the worst as far as fire and brimstone are concerned.

But the best part of Apocalypse Week were the astronomers and such claiming that the world will go into another Ice Age, killing mankind, around Dec. 21st, 2012. The poles are going to shift (causing rising sea levels, storms, mess with the magnetic pull and satellite waves), the climate will change leading to drought, and some think that our entire civilization structure will collapse... leading us into mass world-wide wars.

Some experts are suggesting that people stock up on canned goods, water, weaponry, and bars of gold for trade. I have a different set of priorities: let's make sure that we're dressed for the worst.

First and foremost, astronomers are predicting that the sun will be resetting our entire galaxy within the center of the milky way. If the sun's rays become any stronger, we will need eye protection. I think Tom Ford's Hawkings sunglasses are large enough to protect the eyes, but they still look hot. Also, the aviator style is easier to wear for hours at a time since they are lighter. Ah, the Louis Vuitton Keepall 55. When our modern society collapses, humankind will probably go back to living in nomadic tribes while we search for food. So this LV Keepall, in theory, is perfect for carrying your belongings. It's lightweight and the coated canvas is practically indestructible. Not to mention, as a desirable item... you might be able to trade it for a cow or something later on. Jewelry's fun to wear now... and in all of human history, humans have been able to barter with shiny objects. While some survivalists are buying up gold bars and silver coins in case of economic collapse, I'm a fan of precious metal jewelry because you can wear it and trade it (hey, it's still gold or silver). I picked out Dior's bee earrings. Some astronomers think that an astroid may strike the earth, killing us all like the dinosaurs. Well, to quote Real Housewives of Atlanta castmate and general train wreck, Kim Zolciak, "I could die tomorrow. But I'll die wearing Dior."

And well, a girl's gotta have hot shoes... even during the downfall of mankind. The Christian Louboutin Mad Mary pumps are so perfect for a post-Apocalyptic world. Bonus points given, because I'm pretty sure these shoes can be used as a weapon as well.

Caroline Amarrato's leather opera gloves are another necessary item on my list. Their long enough to keep the entire arm warm... and the leather should make it easy to still grip for things during the nomadic life. It will also protect your hands and arms from scratches and cuts... or even worse, parasitic bites that may spread plague-like diseases.

Ahhh, the American Apparel "all up in one" dress. If you can only have one dress to wear every day of your life (presumably not too long of a life span), you might as wear a dress that can be tied 20+ different ways. Halter, tube, strappy, off the shoulder... tie it different ways to even out your tan lines! This will be the only piece you need clothing wise for the warmer months.

But for the colder months, there's really no substitute:

The History Channel better be right about this 2012 speculation. Otherwise, I will heavily disappointed in them, because when you think History... you think facts. And history.

But it's one HELL of an excuse to stalk Louboutin Mad Mary pumps on eBay!

Must. leave. the. candy. alone.

I have sugar issues. In general, I have ideal eating habits... I don't really deprive myself of anything, I just keep my meals balanced and I follow the food pyramid pretty well. You know, the pyramid in kindergarten. So what if it doesn't have a building block for Diet Coke and liquor... my point is, I eat salad and I eat burgers (on whole wheat buns and with light mayo).

But I am a candy FIEND. Right now, I have: sea salt caramels (about 40 of them), 2 lbs of Goyart chocolates, and 10 lbs of Jelly Belly beans. My co-worker keeps pushing me to finish off his Toblerone and Ferraro candies and I have Karl Bissinger's next door. I need to stop with the suge before I end up like Cookie Monster on Sesame Street. You know why Cookie Monster was always naked? He couldn't fit into his clothes. He was so lucky that he didn't reach 1000lbs and end up like one of those people that have to be airlifted out of their bedroom.

Actually, the real reason why the suge is the devil's sweetness is because of the headaches if you don't eat more sugar. Sugar withdrawls are nasty.

Lord, beer me strength for the rest of the day. I have two and a half hours. And my boss is playing The Devil Wears Prada for the fourth time in a row today.

It is SO good to be home.

Justin and I arrived back in Saint Louis about two hours ago. I managed to take a two week vacation... wow, it was so relaxing. I didn't do much, yet did the things I normally can't do regularly when I'm working the daily routine: work, work, errands, work...

We had a wonderful Christmas with my family... Also, while in Nashville we met up with my friends at a karaoke honky-tonk bar in the super-touristy 2ave block. Hilarious. Both Justin and I didn't know any of the songs, but we had a good time and I haven't seen Sam and Matt in forrrrever. We also managed in a visit with our friend Alex. He went to Tulane with us and is applying to Wash U for law school as well. Since Justin's contemplating an MBA as well right now, who knows... they may be going to school together.

But there's two things that I have to do in Nashville: boutique shop and EAT. I chilled out on the boutique shopping and mostly browsed, since I knew I was heading to Chicago. But I was so happy to discover Monkee (great shoe labels and they carry bags like Botkier) and a Hemline (originally from New Orleans, I loved their Magazine Street location). I tried Five Guys (also in the Hill Center)... and I have to say, I'm not impressed and I will continue to love Cheeseburger Charlie's.

Justin and I are both obsessed with The Dog on Belcourt. Add in that they have White Sox memorablia and lack the Cubs', and it is a HOMERUN.

We spent most of my time off in Chicago... lots of Scrabble, great Italian food, shopping, celebrations, familiar faces and movies. We rented movies, watched DVDs and saw Gran Torino and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. We spent more time in the City, and that's always nice.

We came home with lots of goodies! I got some bling, some new handbags (this Christmukkah was very good to me: I received a Marc Jacobs satchel and Louis Vuitton and Tory Burch clutches), Tory Burch Winnie rain/winter riding boots, a new digital camera that I really need to read the manual for... we didn't have room for either of our suitcases by the end of the trip!!! I'm not sure we have room for everything in our apartment either... We only unloaded the suitcases and two huge shopping bags tonight, Justin's going to attempt the rest tomorrow.

Tomorrow Justin should be going to the market... it's more exciting than usual because we got a new Dutch oven, aspargus pot, fondue set and cookbook. Justin's sister gave us a gift card to Crate & Barrel and I can't think for the life of me what else we could possibly need. You would think we've already registered or something. We're STOCKED.

It's great to finally be home! Let's see how I feel tomorrow when I come home from my first day back to work...